“From the first time I saw you, I actually / Said to myself, ‘I gotta meet her’ like a taxi” is only the beginning of this one, folks. If anything brings the worst out of Eminem’s rhymes on Revival, though, it’s when he’s “stiff as a statue” with twisted fantasies in mind and a pen in hand. Over another dad-rock rap beat courtesy of Rick Rubin, Eminem (or should I say Slim Shady) finds himself under the irresistible spell of a "massive" behind. “Heat” is like “Remind Me”’s even more sexually-frustrated wingman. "From the first time I saw you, I actually / Said to myself, 'I gotta meet her' (/meter) like a taxi"-"Heat" "I’m lookin’ at your tight rear like a sightseer / Your booty is heavy duty (/doody) like diarrhea"-“Remind Me” It’s weird, it’s awkward, but it still hurts like a motherfucker. If being forced to listen to an Eminem and Ed Sheeran song counts as torture, this line is like being tied to a chair and having your ear flicked really fucking hard.
"Always the bridesmaid, never 'The bride, hey!'"-"River"
Maybe it’s because they’re actually black, who knows. These are just five examples from the last few years of rappers comparing the treatment of black people at the hands of the authorities to better-and less, I dunno, less peculiar-things than dryer lint. “The government treat us like peasants” - E-40, "Off the Block".“They do all the lying and treat us like prisoners”- Bas, "Too High to Riot".“I said they treat me like a slave, cah’ me black” - Assassin, “The Blacker The Berry”.“Treat us like slaves then they lock us up in cages” - 21 Savage, “Nothin New”.“12 treat a n*gga like he 12” - Frank Ocean, “Chanel"."Why is it they treat us like dryer lint?"-"Untouchable" "The way I’m kickin’ these fairies’ tails (/fairytales) / I should write a children’s storybook"-“Chloraseptic”Īnd it should be about a rapper-in-shining-Under Armor called Phresher, who rescues 2 Chainz from appearing on this song and bravely sacrifices himself in the process. You know why? Because this dumb line came out of your mouth. "Like your bitch when she gives me brain / Like she thinks I’m dumb"-“Chloraseptic” This is basically JAY-Z’s “I’m everywhere, you ain’t never there” translated for Call of Duty game chat. I was around 9 years old when I learned the difference between “stationary” and “stationery” (that’s what we call a homonym, kids!) and it’s never been funny or clever since. "This rap shit got me travellin’ place to place / You barely leave your house / ’Cause you’re always stuck at your pad, it’s stationary (/stationery)"-“Chloraseptic” “This album’s… off to a… great start / How long. I’m not surprised air is on Eminem’s mind because the way he raps these opening lines, it sounds like his brain has been suffocated of oxygen since “Walk On Water” started playing. If, 10 seconds into a song, you’re rhyming “rhymes” with “wind chimes,” your pen game ain’t that “breezy,” bro.
"Such a breeze when I pen rhymes / I just got that air about me like wind chimes"-"Believe" Here are the 20 worst lyrics on Revival (of which there are many).
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